Hiding the Blame

An inner voice
An inner lawman
“They made me do it”

The inner law
Is a real shadow
In the blood-red moon

To an inner guide
He’s obedient and wise
But it makes him cry inside

It snaps the chains
It cuts the cords
Of his accord

His agreement is lost
He doesn’t agree
With himself

But he tries
To please the lawman
That talks

Through his mouth
Pouring out his shredded memories
Of boyhood photo dreams

He didn’t mean to
It was half a dream
And half of a back door

Into the relics
Of his humanity
His lawful
Legal humanity
Compressed
Into someone else’s vanity

Recycled
By someone else’s
Heavy-handed law

Well
Just explore
Tip out

His puzzle
Onto the floor

Half of the pieces
Are yours
One more step
And I would break
Oh my axeman father

One more pavement slab
Closer
And I would become

A solution
In your gun

One more
Robot step
Forward

One more
Raygun blast
Of your hate

And you could use me
As paste

One more
Step forward
Into

Your sons
No-man’s land
And

You will
No longer
Be a man
The shellfire
Fell for years

Upon the disc
Of my
Darkened sun

How long is war
How long is childhood

The partisan
In the family

Hid in shadows
Moved careful
Through the hate

As real
As death
As weak as breath

If I hold my
Breath
Long enough

He will leave
I will die

The heavy guns
Will cease
Like a new year’s eve

Of any day
Of the ammunition’s
Ceasefire

My will and my blood
Are on fire
Are my attire

In the extravagance
Of fathers war
He tore up
The page
Of my days

But I named
Each piece
With a word

Absurd
I needed a grid
System

I needed
The impossible

Look close
At the dustpan
Do you see?

A few paper pieces
Of me
I would go out
And search for help
I was the scout

And the wagon train
Was
Caught in the rain

Social workers in war paint
Psychiatrist
Hiding in the streets

My wagon wheels
Were rolling
Towards love

I would go out
And run about
From tree to tree

Mad birds
Would follow me

I’d pick holes
In the sky
I’d try

To die
In a tramps
Old coat

I would go out
I would become
Tall grass
The sun
Would blast
On my
Cratered moon
My brow
Would swelter
Melting my
Brain
Insane boy
Joy
I can never leave
Those days behind

People are unkind
They act
Like him

The continents collide
Inside
Volcanoes rise

The bad times
Resurface
The good times

Slide
Beneath

The inner tide
Un-rhymed

Can happiness
Rhyme
Will unhappiness die?
The child part of me
Is like a criminal
Running from my dad’s back hand

The landslide of his
Disguise
His sainthood of blood and mud

His war throne
Where he sat alone
Where white bats
With wings of fire

Left their carrion
On the wire

The childhood part of me
Is the criminal
The unreal is real

The dungeon
Where the nightmare
Thrives
Is where he put me

As he
Ate the tops of snow-covered mountains
His feet dragged thru the slime

And if he knew
The way I felt
He’d resign

Forgiveness comes
When the fire
Has burnt out

How many fires
Were burning
In the night

When at last
I can kick at the ashes and say
It’s over

When will that day come
Will it ever?

My angry fire
May die
But other fires
May last forever

I’m thinking of my mom
She got hurt more
Than anyone

Especially
On the day
He killed her