Always From The Life Boat

Always from the lifeboat
I watched my life sinking,
Hanging on and floating,
The foaming waves linking.

Even on a safe ship
I kept the lifeboat near,
In case un-sinkable liner slip
Into the ocean clear.

I’ve seen icebergs floating,
Distant storms approaching,
Enemy torpedo,
Sabotaging weirdo.

I’ve watched captains go mad
And mutineers change flags,
The plague kills all on board,
Pirates put all to the sword.

Like sleeping with lights on
I keep near the lifeboat,
For anything that man made
Is hard to keep afloat.

Socks Aren’t Easy To Wash

Socks aren’t easy to wash
As tough as leathery alligators
Like wrestling with big snakes

Socks aren’t easy to wash
Tangled like weeds in the Sargasso sea
A steely wreckage of rusted U boats

Socks are swallowing socks
Into the wash they go
Never to be seen for years

Socks are a danger to the public
They turn up like killer sharks
And bite off your foot

Warning, Warning!

Warning, warning
Warning, warning
I wrote two nonsense poems
this morning

whats that
everything I write is nonsense
how dare you my good man

In shades of Golum Blue

in shades of Golum Blue
the little creatures for you
and he follows you
with his big sad eyes
as you go out with other guys

In shades of Golum blue
in the caves of Braken Blud
he stares into a brackish pool
and rolls his eyes just like a fool

In the shades of Golum blue
early in the morning light
The Gorkies from the Splender Fell
Jump the high point and take flight

While the Golum eats his pies
and cleans his eyes
of limpet mud
and runs around
in the sulphur mist
wondering why
he’s never been kissed

In shades of Golum Blue
the grave men
come and torture him
they put him in a recycle bin
and roll him off a cliff
In shades of Glum Blue

and after Glolum Blue
was squashed in the head
All the Romanians
went to safely to bed
The Slavics and the Croats too

Oh the slaves of Belgrade

Oh the  slaves of Belgrade
they obeyed
the rubber maid

Oh the slaves of Belgrade
that the Romans flayed
with their golden blades

oh the slaves
of Belgrade
they fell in love
with the Indian maid
from Buffalo Bills
travelling zoo
and the slaves of Belgrade
Told rodeo Kinkade
that when he leaves
they’re going too

oh the slaves
of Belgarde
had a music hall
built into a wall
when the music played
they danced and sang
especially the one
they called King Saul

and one young man
passing through the town
fell in love with a maid
hanging upside down
above the stage
as she played and played
her accordion

oh the slaves
of Belgrade
they were ruled
by a vocal cat
and when it mewed
for a drink of milk
they brought it a gallon
in a policeman’s hat


The Pharaoh

The Pharaoh who lives in our street
Declared himself to be god over all the earth
People honoured him with checks
His semi became full of opulent things

He isolated himself to enjoy his wealth
He no longer went outside except to lead his work-mates into battle
He loved his credit cards and when his tomb was finished
They were buried with him along with his cats and dogs

There’s a man

There’s a man who walks in front of a pair of scissors.
As he walks down the road they cut the road down the middle
Raw red blood cells ooze out of the wound
Doctors run bleeding behind him trying to stem the blood.

There is a siren sounding in the sky.
It is made from a round tin with a lid and a handle to turn.
Inside is a cat on heat.

In the room next to mine a group of giant grapes are angry at what god has done.
There’s a continuous echo of a working-class Sunday morning without enough love.
The grapes detach from the bunch and jump about.
A tiny man runs after them and smashes them with a hammer.

Light from the short winter day trickles in thru the window.
I rub it on my skin like a salve of everlasting life.


Trilobites need love the same as you or me.
The trilobite was wise, but its wisdom was wrong, wise and wrong;
Like a train driving along a track waved to by females from Greek theatre on their way to school.

The trilobite floated up to the moon at night and at daybreak floated back down into the sea.

Once, hearing a timid knock on the door I opened and in walked a trilobite soaking wet. It spoke with the sound of a small foundry and as it breathed out a small gas jet appeared above its head.

I read in the local paper about the mass extinction of trilobites.
That night they haunted my dreams where they got drunk, smoked pipes and made their peace with big John Wayne before he cantered through the neon mountains of the ocean floor on his cavalry horse
One day I went to the shopping market and everyone there had a pet trilobite on a lead.
I asked someone where they got them from and I was told they were a free offer in the local newspapers glossy weekly.
Lighting up my gas lamp I could see many of them had escaped and were hiding in the corners.

With the onset of WW1, the trilobites formed a regiment of their own and fought against the notorious U-boats, so feared by the enemy for collecting fingernails and toenail from which they made a crunchy snack.

Here in the is dialogue, I try to bring the trilobites back to life so that you may never forget the roll they played in our financial history. In eating our money and turning the national gold deposits into hay. And supporting charities like the homeless cockroach fund and free shaving kits for gorillas that we get in the post, the shaving kits that is, not the gorillas. There’s a law against that!

Isn’t it funny how having seen a fossilised trilobite you never forget it? But after a mass extinction, all that you have are the fossils.

The Bargain Hunt

Get on the bus
You’re going to the sale
You’ll grab what you want
Or you’ll go to jail

In wind, rain or hail
– It’s nice if it’s summer
But you’re a tough little
Bargain Hunter

Walk down the street
You’re in your territory
Push through the crowds
With your inventory

In flack, jack or hail
Bomb blast or junta
You’re a tough little
Bargain hunter

Get in the store
As you stalk through the crowds
Capture your bargain
Lay money down

Retreat to the bus stop
In glory and bunting
You’ve been successfully
Bargain hunting

You walk down the street
Feeling fine
a smile on your face
a tingling in your spine

You’re way up in outer space

Save your cash
For the sales next year
For books and toys
And fashion gear

There is no recession
Or eco slump
That can stop you
From the bargain hunt

Spike Milligan – Ying Tong Song


Spike Milligan lived in Jerico
when the walls came tumbling down
and as he Israelites scaled the walls
they heard this terrible sound

ying tang, ying tang, ying tang, ying tang
ying tang tiddle-i-fo, etc

Spike Milligan was a Mexican
at the battle of the Alamo
as Davy Crocket levelled his musket
he heard this tale of woe

Spike Milligan was a clockwork bird
when they landed in Normandy
as they grouped upon the shore
this song came over the sea

Spike Milligan had a granddad
who fought at Waterloo
and as Napoleon rode his white horse
he heard this crazy tune

Ghengis Khan and his Army
came to engage the foe
but one man alone stood on guard there
singing, Ying Tang diddle-i-fo

Spike Milligan was a genius
who joined the British Army
by the end of the second world war
they saw that he’d gone barmy


take me home, I feel lazy
I think the whole world’s gone crazy


“That’s all for now, folks”