The cow is wearing trousers

The cow is wearing trousers
Please let her in
The cow is wearing trousers
Isn’t it a sin

The cow is in a suit and tie
Isn’t it absurd
The cow is in a suit and tie
And so is the herd

The cow doffs her bowler hat
Oh, she’s so polite
The cow doffs her bowler hat
And then says goodnight

The cow is on her bicycle
Riding out of town
The cow is on her bicycle
Riding upside down

The eye tooth

The eye tooth

The eye tooth of walrus
The highlight in the eye
and sleepy time tears
On Hammersmith bridge

The time eye sleepy time tooth
Am I, but I get by
Walking the walrus in the sky

The walrus sphinx from Woolworths
Inside a man of ham
They sent the taxi to free me
And gave me a name

I robbed a grave
And I slept in an eye lid
Of magic astronomy
For nearly all my days

Then Mary came to see me
Leaving alarm clocks for the enemy
Leaving teddy bears hanging from the ceiling
You know the feeling

The eye tooth dug into the air
Of afterlife and prayer

So the walrus and i
Quietly moved away
And the eyes tooth just stared


They made a counterfeit warrant
And got inside
They took her away to the countryside
And left her there

They cleared out her safe
And made the cat cry
And left graffiti on the wall
Just to say goodbye

The lady of patterns

Tatters loves patterns
Patterns everywhere

May Klimt be in your dreams
And Picasso in your understanding

I’m the shadow of the man

I’m the shadow of the man
In a no-parking dreamland
I’m born to die
Inside a ventilation shaft
You came to me a hundred years ago
With a list of things I must do
But the museum of my tasks
Are covered in security systems

I’m the shadow of a man
Beneath the carpenters workbench
I stare with my big caterpillar eyes
At the buses in the distance
My body is as useless as a dead beetle
On roller skates, blowing a whistle
I’m going to California too
Before the great wave pays its bills and leaves

I’m the shadow of a man
That used to be a light switch
A removal van came for the light bulb
And spread its wings like a ladybird
In the underground station
The floor developed measles
And the last train was announced
By a spider

Look at the feet of iron and clay

Another sentence is handed out
To the corner unit in the hotel lobby
A gorilla in a policeman’s uniform
Stabs it though with a spike

Another sentence is handed out
To the corner unit in the hotel lobby
It wees all over the Axminster carpet
And faints like a wheel in a carnival

Can you take my sleep away
And give me radar eyes
And legs as strong as steel
And let me walk alone

Look at the feet of iron and clay
Walking up and down the city
The sky is a buzzsaw of lightning wheels
But you still look pretty

Another sentence is handed out
To the corner sofa in the hotel lobby
The janitor hacks at it with a claw hammer
Now it is a reclining art body

Can you take away my sleep away?
And demolish the chimneys that float in the clouds
Can you measure my strength with a set square?
And roll me up in cat fur

Look at the feet of iron and clay
What are they doing today?
They are painting the walls a sunset grey
As they cover our faces in aerosol spray

Another sentence is handed out
At the corner unit in the hotel lobby
A cat on a tricycle is riding by
And shelters it under an umbrella of fire

A gangway of planks is made on the floor
It leaves like a snail to the lobby door
A comedian puts flowers across the seat
And it’s taken away by the giant with feet of iron and clay

Umbrellas That Smoke in the Soup

Umbrellas that smoke in the soup
of a clock face pulled from the bone by a mirror.

Like the throat of a vase used for bunches of screwdrivers
that lift up an electric circuit to find a delta of rust
about to complete a cycle of life.

Like a cathode ray tube fitted into a skull
left in an armchair where a fuse is shattered
by the femur of a beanbag girl with a bright cranium.

Like feathers fallen from a gold slide rule jammed
into the mouth of a transformer

I was dressed in blue asbestos
by the girl who trips over a spanner
as she moves into the corner of a room


Trilobites need love the same as you or me.
The trilobite was wise, but its wisdom was wrong, wise and wrong;
Like a train driving along a track waved to by females from Greek theatre on their way to school.

The trilobite floated up to the moon at night and at daybreak floated back down into the sea.

Once, hearing a timid knock on the door I opened and in walked a trilobite soaking wet. It spoke with the sound of a small foundry and as it breathed out a small gas jet appeared above its head.

I read in the local paper about the mass extinction of trilobites.
That night they haunted my dreams where they got drunk, smoked pipes and made their peace with big John Wayne before he cantered through the neon mountains of the ocean floor on his cavalry horse
One day I went to the shopping market and everyone there had a pet trilobite on a lead.
I asked someone where they got them from and I was told they were a free offer in the local newspapers glossy weekly.
Lighting up my gas lamp I could see many of them had escaped and were hiding in the corners.

With the onset of WW1, the trilobites formed a regiment of their own and fought against the notorious U-boats, so feared by the enemy for collecting fingernails and toenail from which they made a crunchy snack.

Here in the is dialogue, I try to bring the trilobites back to life so that you may never forget the roll they played in our financial history. In eating our money and turning the national gold deposits into hay. And supporting charities like the homeless cockroach fund and free shaving kits for gorillas that we get in the post, the shaving kits that is, not the gorillas. There’s a law against that!

Isn’t it funny how having seen a fossilised trilobite you never forget it? But after a mass extinction, all that you have are the fossils.