I’ve never seen a reporter hug a loser

It’s peculiar how people starved of affection seem to group together like bumping cars in a fairground.

If something affects one of them they all suffer – in silence. Have you seen them walking along the street. If one walks slowly they all walk slowly in a sympathetic empathy. They hate to walk too fast with such a weight of unburdened tears in case they spill some and a stiff upper-lipper reprimand them.

Soldiers on poppy day selling plastic poppies for lapels. Their brotherhood. Their grief, their pide. They are the most well trained, fittest, intelligent soldiers the world has ever seen. As a group, they try to control their feelings, from each other, from the world. and they do fine until they don’t do fine.

Animals might group together for the same reasons. They share a common fear, a common trauma, a common need for affection, for self-expression, for self-defence.

Children grouped together in the playground make their beautiful noise, oblivious of thought or feeling. Instant spirits. When one starts to shout they all start to shout. A healing bond group that new arrivals soon belong to. But yes, if a child has a problem that is too big for its head it withdraws and gets isolated and stays isolated – like I was many times. Because emotion is a language that is not used by their parents and professional help comes in the shape of mental health officers and social workers who separate, coldly, their experiences into documents.

I look into my brain with my mind. I have done so since I was born. At first, there was nothing in my brain and now there’s too much. But my brain works overtime at storing information; preparing, cleaning and storing.

Mental health professionals seem to think that the brain is the soul and also that to drug the brain will calm traumatic feelings. Humpty Dumpty because he felt grumpy was sedated and put to bed. Then came a white spider that sat down beside him and filled his brain with Med.

There’s a group of footballers who just lost a game. Like an ambulance full of analysts the reporters dump serious, accusative questions on them.

I’ve never seen a loser embraced by a reporter.

The scar

It came to me, my unreasonable fear
that I have been burdened with for many a year.
My fear of falling, the small white scar:
My fear of loving, why I’ve kept afar
The times I’ve started awake or couldn’t fall
asleep, to rest, to wake refreshed, loved. That’s not all
that scar I bear, I’ve born for many a year
it seems to have been there before I was here.
A small white scar upon my side
could it be the reason for why I’ve cried
like a waterfall for those psychological years of being alone
or the nightmares where my tongue turned to stone
and if I fell I would die and live again
born up from the ground
then repaired and the clock set to begin its cycle
ticking away in the silent darkness while Michael
sleeps as a tiny baby in the windowsill
and wakes and falls and falls and falls until
the clock stops in the murderous night
and the baby Michael bleeds light
the glass is removed from the shaking flesh
by strangers, fearful strangers who couldn’t care less.
But I fall into the street through a windowpane
and from a babies unconscious mind into an injured sleep did it drain
all information from my brain
of love, care, future, security, wiped out by the pain.
Then through the years of darkness hidden
the babies hurt, its cries hidden
its falling in and out of love
its falling down, its looking up alone
its jumping feet upon the imaginary ground
its crying, its forgetting, its knowledge woven with the sound
of breaking glass and falling and crashing down.
A fall that haunts and hurts and comes around
like the flash of a dragons tail upon my head
to startle me awake from the old lumpy bed
And who picked me up, who loved me on that day
and why did the shadow of the accident never go away?
When the war was five years over, peace was declared
Armistice came and went and people dared
to breathe the air freely and forget very nearly
that life resumed its path into the cold grey light

I have a small white scar caused by falling out of a window as a baby

Song: Asylum Wind

 

Please see a Lead sheet and a MP3 of song
Asylum wind


Asylum Wind lyrics:

Verse 1

Everywhere is quiet across the hinterland
The night horse it gallops – thru the dark expanse
While I’m walking homeward I see the moon rescind
The shadows go ahead of me in the asylum wind

Chorus

Asylum wind engraves, every word you said
The asylum wind is burning, holes inside my head

Verse 2

This day is behind me , a long night’s ahead
Animal confusion crying in my head
If I loved you longer, it would be a sin
The shadows go in front of me in the asylum wind

Chorus and verse 3

Time is but a measure, fading in the sky
Space is but a dream that died and a place to hide
Love is written in blood that will not end
Flying on wings of fury in asylum wind

Chorus

 

 

 

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